I look back at the girls I hung out with in elementary/middle school and realize they all either didn’t go to college or have babies.

I mean, I’d like to think that if we remained friends that I would be smart enough not to fall into all of that. I just wonder from time to time what my life would be like if we hadn’t gone our separate ways.

Maybe I’m only really thinking about it because of the dream I just had where I had a baby at 20. Nothing has made me more anti-baby then that dream. I’ll wait till I’m rich and old, thank you.

I saw Sieving today, which made me realize how much I’ve given up on the dream I used to have.

I want to take his class again. I keep quizzing Colby on it because I miss it so much.

(Where’s my rich husband who will buy me a production company so I can do whatever I want?)

18. I get my feelings hurt pretty easily, but I try and hide that too.

19. I cry a lot. I don’t bother hiding that.

And then I found out that I might actually get to see SB this year.

AhLJDSHKLFHDSKHFKLDH

COULD YOU IMAGINE??? Granted she’s only opening, but it’s SARA BAREILLES. I swear it’s like God saying ‘Hey, I’m sorry you’re stressing out over your friends, here’s something that’ll cheer you up.’

Well thank you, God. I do feel better now.

Gosh. Sara Bareilles. Enchanted.

I have very choice words for my own performance, but I’m not going to say them. I realized as my friends told me ‘good job’ that regardless of whether or not they actually thought that, the speech was over and there was nothing I could do to fix the problems I had. At least not for this speech.

I went to my teacher after and asked if I could do it again because I was disappointed in my performance. Instead we discussed ways for me to slow down my speed and how to avoid the trap I get myself into during every speech.

She told me my organization was excellent, as well as my content. That alone will land me a B range grade, but that’s not enough and I told her that.

The only person that can push me to do better is myself. No one has the ability to motivate me like me. However I often turn to debasing myself when I don’t perform up to par (and in my mind I never perform up to par, I can always always do better) but this time, I congratulated myself on the parts I did really well and started forming plans on how to fix the persistent problems I have.

I’m hoping to show a lot of improvement by the end (hopefully enough to magically get an A in the class, fingers crossed)

I’m not going to get the improvement I wan’t just by telling myself I did horrible and that I need to improve next time. I respond well to negative critiques other people give, but not to negative critiques given to myself, because I will never be able to live up to my own extremely high standards. So I’m going to try working on giving myself constructive critiscm, in hopes that I’ll finally be able to pull out an A+++++ on a speech in this class.

I’ve had a system for school work for a while, but it’s not as effective now as it was a couple of years ago. And now it’s getting to the point where I have to find new ways to motivate myself to get the grades I need to get, or continue to fall into a mediocre range that will not get me the GPA I want to graduate with.

I think it’s officially time to change up some habits. Now that my major work is done for a while, I’m going to spend this week thinking about habits that need reforming and how I can reform them. Not only school habits, but cleanliness and social habits as well.

It’s just time. And it’s unfortunate it took me till Junior year to realize that I can’t keep going on the way I’m going.

I’ve realized that Mean and Machine Gun are the exact same song. They’re both about guys in either singer’s life that basically told them that they aren’t going to get anywhere in life with singing.

You, with your words like knives and swords and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard, calling me out when I’m wounded
You, pickin’ on the weaker man

Tell me off in a letter
Completely ignore me
Getting high off of saying
Why you don’t adore me?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them
I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

Baby, please, I’m well versed
In how I might be cursed
I don’t need it articulated

Stand in line wasting
All of your time just to hate me
Every dime gone to ways
You can find that might bait me

I like both songs. They’re both equally catchy and rather hard to get out of your head once you’ve listened to them. They’ve got the same addictive quality because they’re both really  applicable to all kinds of different situations.

The biggest difference, and I think the most important, is how each lady presents herself within the song.

Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don’t know what you don’t know

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me

And all you’re ever gonna be is mean

And drag me down, sight set proudly
Bring me to the ground see
You love to be somebody’s enemy

Maybe nobody loved you when you were young
Maybe, boy, when you cry, nobody ever comes
Will you try it once?
Give up the machine gun
Machine gun

They both have their moments where they admit that they can’t stand up against the attacks being brought upon them, but Taylor automatically dismisses the person, saying that they will never change. Sara on the other hand, almost challenges the person to try to change. They both acknowledge that the person probably has some effed up past that would make them act the way they are. Only Sara thinks the person has the ability to stop. When I am in an extremely bratty mood about something, Mean is the song I would turn to in a heartbeat. I get why people like this song. Sometimes you just want to tell a person ‘You’re mean and you’ll always be mean.’ But I don’t actually believe that. So when I’m feeling like a 20 year old and am still upset about something, Machine Gun is my song. Though I don’t always assume that a person attacking me didn’t get hugged enough as a child, I do always think they have the ability to change. It doesn’t mean they will, but people always have the option to ‘put down the machine gun.’ That’s why Sara ‘writes the soundtrack to my life’ kinda deal, like TSwift does for so many people. I think that’s what I don’t like about her the most. Her songs are fine, though I’d consider most sub-par. I’m more against her attitude/philosophy of life and how girls seems to adopt it and then act like little fools. I’m not saying SB is like poster child for all things good and right, but I think her attitude towards life is pretty positive in general. And to prove that, here’s her happy break up song!

Tumblr can be a mess sometimes.

Wicked was honestly amazing. I loved it. My mom of all people loved it. Besides Defy Gravity which made me cringe a bit, everything was amazing and so well done.

The sets were phenomenal. The moving dragon was ballin’. I really loved the scenes when the lighting was red and they the flying monkeys were on stage because I was legitimately creeped out, which is not a feeling I normally get when I watch a play.

The costumes were fun, the acting was great. It’s  amazing to compare this to Legally Blonde where the acting and singing made me want to claw my eyes, and Wicked that had me dancing in my seat.

I really loved the actor who played Fiyero, much better than any I’ve seen on youtube. The actress playing Nessarose was also great because by the end I was thinking ‘She really deserved that house.’

I really really really really think they need to make a movie version ASAP. It would be spectacular. If they can make the stage look that amazing, imagine what they could do with a movie set.

Oh, and Galinda’s bubble machine was even more charming in person. “We can’t all travel by bubble!”